Living with Parkinson's - Year Six

Welcome to my blog! This entry marks another anniversary of the day when I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. On April 7th, it will be six years since I have been diagnosed, and if you review my previous annual updates you will see that for each of these years I provide also a separate title that sums up the experiences of the year. This year, that title is “Ch Ch Ch Changes.”

And changes it were indeed! From the deaths of various famous people, David Bowie - from whom I borrowed the title for this year - being one of them, over having a new President - and I won’t comment on any politics here - , to the status of my illness and as such my overall well-being.

So, let’s begin with the good news. My regiment of Parkinson’s related medication has not changed from last year, being three Mirapex, one each in the morning, midday, and evening at 0.5 mg, one Amantadine in the morning at 100 mg, 2 Levodopas in the morning at 25/100 mg and 2 at noon, also 25/100 mg. The only difference is the change from one Mirapex ER to three regular Mirapex with a third of the dosage each. And that is pretty much where the good news end, but maybe that is relative!

So, while I am on the same medication in type and quantity as I was last year, my dependence on taking the meds on time has greatly increased. For example, missing the lunch portion of meds had no impact last year, but now I feel “weird” after only a few hours. And if I happen to miss multiple sets in a row, like lunch and dinner, I will need hours after taking the meds the next morning before I function “normal” again.

Equally, my tolerance of stressful situations has dramatically declined. Most obvious here is the tremor in my right leg that begins as soon as my stress level is increased, for example when dealing with officials (more later), or while dealing with a situation that was not anticipated, like unforeseen airplane departure changes, and so forth. Also declined has my ability to use my right hand for anything that requires fine motor skills. Last year, hand writing was very hard, this year it is almost impossible! Things like putting butter on bread are so stressful that my leg starts to tremble, even after I switched from butter to an easier spreadable margarine. And let’s not forget the last winter that seems to be finally over! Whenever it was cold, I could barely move my right arm, sometimes even both arms, and the entire upper body stiffed up and was in pain.

But the biggest change of all is that I stopped working last July after a scary incident. I had a massive heart attack at work, or so I thought. Stress about working and the associated responsibilities got so unmanageable that my psyche faked a heart attack, with all the pain that comes with it. I sat in my office chair in major pain, for over an hour, thinking I will either die or have open heart surgery before the day is over. This was the first time that I realized the tremendous psychological impact that Parkinson’s has on me, and when I combined this with all my physical issues I decided that enough is enough. I knew right away that I will have to take better care of myself if I wanted to slow down the progression, and one major contributor to that progression which had to be eliminated was work.

As a result, I went first on Short Term Disability and then on Long Term Disability, and I am currently in the application process for Social Security Disability. And if you ever had to go through that process then you know what I am dealing with, not the low level of stress that I need, that’s for sure! Nevertheless, I am most certain that not working has helped me a lot with maintaining, or at least slowing down, the progression of my illness. I spend most of my days walking the dog, watching TV, running errands, and doing laundry. But occasionally we, or I, go on vacation and that is then my chance to enjoy my favorite hobby, photography! And because shooting hand-held is not so easy anymore, tripod and remote shutter release have become my best friends. I hope to be able to add a few nice photographs to my collection this year, and in the years coming as well.

To sum it up, I feel like I am currently living on the Event Horizon and that sooner or later I will be sucked into a Black Hole where my illness will be so bad that I will have trouble finding enjoyment in life. With my decision to no longer work I hope to stay on that current level for a while longer than if I would have worked myself into the ground. Life is too important!!!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you understand,

Ingo

Living with Parkinson's - Year Five

Now it is five years ago since I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Every year, on my anniversary, I write a blog entry regarding the experiences of the latest year. Usually, I summarize this experiences in a single-line title, and this year is no different. It's titled would be "I don't want to deal with it".

The outward indications of this fact are that I greatly reduced my participation in any Parkinson's related activities. May it be online or with regards to actual events, I probably spent 10% of the time of previous years on that subject. The inward indications are very different though. For the first time, I noticed a decline of my health. Not by much, but nevertheless!

Once in a while, my left hand, which had been so far not influenced, starts to tingle and goes numb. In addition, if I don't take my Levodopa on time, or if I forget it at all, I start to feel achy and have a problem moving my legs with ease. For clarification though, I still take the same dosage that I used to do 3 years ago. That means one Mirapex ER in the morning at 1.5 mg, one Amantadine in the morning at 100 mg, 2 Levodopas in the morning at 25/100 mg and 2 at noon, also 25/100 mg.

I believe that my lack of participation is directly related to my increase of signs of Parkinson's. Let me explain: The more I expose myself to others with Parkinson's the more I think about it. This in itself raises my stress level as I wonder what the future holds for me. Also there was a serious increase in stress at work. This stress is not related to Parkinson's or to me as a person, but stems from the position that I have in the company and the decisions that I have to make based on it.

On the other hand, I have volunteered to be a test person in various Parkinson's studies, and I like the idea that I contribute a little to the hope of finding a cure, or maybe at least to the identification of what causes this darn illness to occur in the first place.

The result of all of this is the feeling that I am living on borrowed time. How much longer do I have before it gets so bad that I rely on help from others more than just for closing buttons on my shirt and spreading  butter on my bread? The rational me knows that it's probably quite a while before that happens. The panicked me thinks otherwise. So, in short, the decrease in outward activities balances with the increase in internal troubles.

Each will make for an interesting Year Six,

Ingo

Living with Parkinson's Disease - Year 4

Every year, ever since I have been diagnosed with this disease, I write an entry about the main “happenings” that occurred in the past year, mostly in relationship to the illness. As a matter of fact, that is the reason why this blog even exists as I am not much of a writer otherwise. My past entries (all made in April of the relevant year) range from shock of the diagnosis, over learning to live with it, to wondering what the future will hold.

This year, the main “title” I would choose to sum it up would be something like “What? Another Year?” The disease has moved into the background, I am probably as far into it as I was a year ago, same meds at the same intervals, same issues, mainly my inability to hand-write and the usability of my right hand in general. As a matter of fact, this year is the first time that I did not even remember the actual day of diagnosis, which has already passed as of this writing.

Instead, the three main memories of the past year with impact on my illness are a promotion, the winter, and a game called Destiny.

At work, the leadership rewarded my efforts and input with a promotion that made me the head of all Business Analysts, Quality Assurance Personnel, and the Configuration Team. I most certainly appreciate it and enjoy my new set of responsibilities, but with regards to Parkinson’s the additional workload and overall stress level can for sure become a negative factor and speed up the progression. I think I will keep an eye out for it, as for now I don’t want to have it any other way.

And the winter, well, I said it in my last blog entry, I simply hate it. It was way too long, too cold, too dark, and what not. Parkinson’s and cold really don’t play well together, there is a certain point, call is a chill factor, when within seconds my entire upper body freezes up and I can barely move my arms and shoulders. It is actually also rather painful, in a way that is hard to describe, something along the lines of having excessively exercised and now being super sore.

And lastly, there is Destiny, the all-consuming console game that I play for about half a year now with no end in sight. I am not going to describe the game here, which could be a separate post sometime in the future, maybe. But I can tell you that I spend a very significant amount of time playing it. And for the first time I play a game that involves talking to others (not an obligation, but fun) and forming teams to fulfill the game’s challenges. I am blessed with having made a few friends in the game, so sometimes we “hunt” together and have fun. I know one of them personally and he knows I have Parkinson’s, and I told one other player about it. The rest of them seem to simply accept the fact that I usually score at best half their “kills,” a result of not being able to push the trigger button as fast as they can, caused by the limited usability of my right hand. Occasionally I stress out over this fact, wondering what they think of me. I don’t seek pity and I am not telling anybody else about my disease, but sometimes I would like to be able to say “listen, I am slower than you because I am sick” or the like, but I think it would destroy the lightheartedness of our gamer relationship.

Well, that is all I have to say with regards to the happenings in my fourth year since being diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I have no idea what the coming year will bring, only one thing is pretty much for sure, I will at best maintain my level of disease progression. I will keep you posted!

Thanks for reading,

Ingo

Winter Blues

I hate winter, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!

I really don’t like the cold, the layers of clothes when leaving the house, the chill on every inch that is exposed. I really don’t like all that snow, piled high and doubled up by snowplows, thank you (not)! I really don’t like the darkness, mornings and evenings all the same, coming and going with no light in sight.

So, is it over now, finally done? Man, I sure hope so! The trees are still bare, the grass not yet green, the flowers just poking their heads out of the ground. But raising the hope that soon I will have forgotten these dreary days, these depressing weeks of obscurity, these months of isolation.

Then it will be light, and bright, and warm, and nice, making me wonder how long, how long it will last, until that day when the first flakes will fall again.

A vicious cycle of sadness, fostered by illness and pain.

Ingo

Living with Parkinson's Disease - Year 3

Another year has passed, another year that I live with Parkinson’s Disease, making it officially 3 years tomorrow since I was diagnosed. Like I did so far on every anniversary since this diagnosis, I will describe the main thoughts, with regards to this illness, that occupied me during the last 12 months. But first, a quick recap: year 1 centered around coming to terms that I have Parkinson’s and year 2 was focused on gaining stability and being social about it. You can read more about these in my older blog entries in this blog.

Year 3, well, I would say that, in essence, two questions sum up everything that was, and still is, my major struggle with this disease: Since when do I have it and when and how will it all go down?

So, since when do I have PD (Parkinson's Disease)? As mentioned before, officially since 3 years tomorrow, but obviously I didn’t get it on that day. So, then when was it? I cannot say for certain, but I assume quite a while earlier. I base this on information like this one from Wikipedia: “Changes in perception may include an impaired sense of smell, sensation of pain and paresthesia (skin tingling and numbness). All of these symptoms can occur years before diagnosis of the disease.” I started to have numbness around the time of diagnosis, but I had a strange and reduced sense of smell since many years earlier.

Also, it states that there is “…an effect of nicotine as a dopamine stimulant. Tobacco smoke contains compounds that act as MAO inhibitors that also might contribute to this effect.” I have smoked for over 20 years prior and only quit 2 years before being diagnosed!

An additional indicator for having the disease was my guts feeling that something in me was changing, leading to a strong believe that I was going to die. This in turn caused a "professional" evaluation of me as being depressed, which was probably true, but only a symptom of PD and not the main issue. But nobody dug in that deep at the time.

My usual conclusion to the “since when …” question is: who knows, probably since between 5 and 25 years! You may think that it is not important to know this number as what is done is done, but the answer leads directly into my other main question of this last year, namely “How much longer do I have, and then what happens?”

OK, I cannot change the past, but I can influence the future, or so I choose to believe. Exercise, good medication, a good diet, low stress (yeah right, that will happen), and a positive attitude all can help to stretch the progression of the illness. But the key is, it is a progressive illness with currently no cure (and none in sight). And sadly, there is also no formula that can be used to calculate the progression; it behaves different for each person. If I were to know that in so-and-so years I will be in such-and-such shape then I could prepare myself for it, by one means or the other, but no such luck.

So, almost daily, ok, probably multiple times daily, I ask myself at least one of the following questions:

Did I just see a new symptom of progression?

How much longer can I work? Should I quit working now?

Am I wasting my last few good years?

What will happen to me when it gets worse? And what symptoms will I develop?

When will I become a burden to my wife and children (besides being the pain in the rear that I am already anyway, haha)?

And, as I am by profession (and talent) an analyst, I of course also have to face the elephant in the room and ask myself the question (on a purely analytic and logical basis) if suicide should be an option.

I know this all sounds grim, but let's be real, this is no fun disease! I am currently doing rather well, but I know that today is the day when I am in the best shape of my remaining life. Every additional day will be marked by yet even more of my few remaining dopamine producing cells dying, every day will see some minute decline, every day brings me closer to the end.

This all may be hard to understand for someone who does not have Parkinson’s, but my fellow sufferers will most likely be nodding when reading this blog. Although our symptoms vary, and the progression for each one of us is different, we nevertheless have an invisible bond that connects us, no words are needed to know how much a fellow Parkie (that’s what we call ourselves) is suffering.

I wish I could present you a more optimistic outlook, but fact is: The End Is Not Pretty! The question is only when will it happen.

In the meantime, let’s see what year 4 will bring!

Thanks for reading,

Ingo

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe Or When to Switch Your Parkinson’s Medication?

Recently, a fellow sufferer asked our Parkinson’s Disease community that question. More precisely, if it seems to be the right time for her to switch to the medication that provides L-DOPA (levodopa), which is used to increase dopamine concentrations, and know under the brand names like “Sinemet, Parcopa, Atamet, Stalevo, Madopar, Prolopa,” and the likes. [Many thanks to Wikipedia for the information provided in this blog entry!]

Without getting into too much detail, her question arose primarily because the Parkinson’s symptoms started to seriously interfere with her ability to fulfill her job. Also, just like myself, she was sick and tired of the inability to naturally swing the arms when walking; instead the arms just hang down or they are held in a slightly angled position.

To me, her question hits the spot as I myself wonder about such a medication switch every day at least once. And, just like it is for her, this disease is interfering with my ability to fulfill my work tasks the way I would like them to be fulfilled. My handwriting is severely handicapped, my typing somewhat as well, and for a Business Analyst that is a substantial part of the job. Fortunately, I still can type and do my work to everybody’s satisfaction (I hope, haha).

My biggest concern is the fact that these types of meds tend to loose effectiveness over time, requiring the patient to take stronger dosages and to increase the frequency of usage. And at some point, the meds will not help anymore at all, requiring a change in the treatment process all together. So, once I start on these meds, how much time will I have until it goes downhill, 5 years, 10, 20? Would it be better to have these years now, or save them til later, and if the latter is the way to go, then until when do I wait?

Almost as big is my concern about potential side effects of these meds, they are not easily dismissed. There is a long list of them, but in particular dyskinesia seems to be very prominent. Based on Wikipedia “these motor fluctuations occur in more than half of PD patients after 5–10 years of L-DOPA treatment, with the percentage of affected patients increasing over time”. It further states there that “Therefore, once established, [dyskinesia] is difficult to treat” and - I could not have said it any better - “patients with the young-onset form of the disease or young-onset Parkinson's disease (YOPD) are often hesitant to commence L-DOPA therapy until absolutely necessary for fear of suffering severe dyskinesia later on.”

Yet, without any hesitation, the Parkinson’s Disease community responded to the original question unanimously with “switch now”, “I wish I had it done earlier”, “switching was best decision ever” and the like.

Being the worrier that I am, the questions I ask myself over and over again are: do I suffer now for certain a somewhat more than I have to, or potentially a lot more later on? And how long will I live anyway, do I save myself for a time that will never come? And if it comes, how high is my quality of life at that point, for all I know I may be under the spell of dementia by then?

I fear the side effects, they hurt and are very disabling, and I fear the time when the meds will stop working for me even more. But I also want to feel well and act normal NOW! Maybe I should play a game of “eeny, meeny, miny, moe …” to figure it out!

Ingo

Failure and Success

A few weeks, ago I spent some quality time with my wife while our children were away in sleepover camp. We used this chance to get away for a weekend and booked us into a cottage near a group of waterfalls that I really like, close to the Delaware Water Gap in Pennsylvania. So far so good, but there were some hurdles to take in order to make this an all-around successful trip.

The issue was “how to get there?” Sure, my wife can drive, but that was not the point. Instead, I wanted to proof that I can STILL drive. I guess I have to explain this a little, in case you haven’t heard this story before. About 2 years ago, we took a trip to Colorado and among many other things we drove from Durango to Ouray, on the famous “Million Dollar Highway.” You know that one? No? Well, here is some info: 1 lane each direction, across 2 12,000 feet (or more) passes, via steep inclines, hairpin turns, and no shoulders or guardrails, with drops right next to the road, straight down for what seems like thousands of feet!!!

In short, having already had Parkinson’s, but still being on almost no medication at all (having just been diagnosed a few months earlier), my right leg was shaking so vividly that it was hard to push the gas paddle consistently and I feared for my family’s and my life in ways I never experienced before. The following day, I could not even drive on a wide highway in flat country, still shaking. It shocked me so bad that I completely lost my confidence in driving on a street outside of my hometown. The result was that my wife had to drive more than the liked, including on that excursion in Colorado.

OK, so back now to current trip to the waterfalls. Well, I drove us there, and back as well, and on all the roads traveled in between! Yep, occasionally the leg was still shaking, but very mildly, and occasionally my hands gripped the steering wheel like I wanted to have a mind-melt with it, but for the most part it was a good driving experience that allowed me to look forward to another road trip in the future, with me as the driver.

Oh, and the waterfalls? Well, that was a failure, haha, as recent rainstorms caused too much water in the streams, making for very poor conditions to photograph a smooth silky flow of water in the falls. Not to mention that an overhaul to the pathways took access away from the really good shooting spots! But life is not all about photography, and at least as far as this particular weekend was concerned it was completely irrelevant, what mattered was that I regained something that I thought I lost forever!

Ingo

On Running

There was a time in my 20s when I ran the 5k in under 20min, and six months before my Parkinson's Disease diagnosis I ran it twice at around 30min (@ age 48), but today I don't dare to run it at all anymore.

And there are 2 reasons for it:

1) I am afraid how the exhaustion would impact my slightly shaky balance as I sure would hate to fall, for pain and embarrassment reasons.

2) The mental defeat I would suffer if I can't make it! I always drive myself pretty hard and don't like to loose, even if the one who beats me is just my own inability to succeed.

But, there is also the chance that I have actually only one reason, it being the second one listed here! Meaning, maybe my worries in 1) are manufactured to protect me from 2) ever to happen.

Who knows?

Ingo

The Agony of the Third Third, or Exercising with Parkinson’s

About three months ago I bought an elliptical trainer and since then I use it about 2 to 3 times per week. Most of the time, I am using an interval setting that switches every 2 minutes between an easy setting of going almost flat and with low resistance and a hard setting of going uphill with high resistance. The program repeats the process for 30 minutes in total, with an additional 5 minutes of cool-down, but the latter can be neglected as it is only meant to gradually get the body back to a normal “all day pace.” For me, the 30 minutes of workout can be broken down into three equal parts of 10 minutes each, whereby in particular the first and the last part are the most challenging segments.

The First Third

This third can also be described as the third of quitting. Why? Well, because that's the time when I mostly have thoughts like “I can't do it today, I am too tired.” Getting into the groove is hard for me, I'm not warmed up yet, my muscles are not loose, and my mind is playing tricks on me. My thoughts circle around the remaining 20+ minutes, and my mind tries to persuade me that I can't do it today, that I am not in shape, that I should give up, that I should do it some other time! Once in a while, my mind wins and I stop the exercise. But most of the time I am pulling through this by knowing that the feeling will fade away when the next segment of the exercise begins.

The Second Third

Well, not much is to say here, as I'm in the groove! Things are working out for me, my energy is at peak, my muscles are loose and I enjoy the exercise while listening to music on my headphones. I'm thinking about how many strides I will be able to make, as I am always measuring my performance. Sometimes, my mind begins to wander, I'm thinking about work and about life in general, about Parkinson's and about all kinds of other things.

The Third Third

This is the third of agony! I am counting down each interval that I have already completed, and I am looking forward to the end. I am having a hard time maintaining my pace. By then I'm soaking wet and the sweat is running over my face, I am watching out that it doesn't run into my eyes as it burns and I can’t see anything for a few seconds. In addition, even during the easy interval does my heart rate not drop below 145 anymore (the high, btw, is about 170). This is also the time when I wonder if I can ever run on the street again. I used to be pretty good at running 5Ks, nowadays I wonder if I can even stay on my legs. Will I trip? Will I fall? Will I bruise my body and face? I'm scared of even trying! What gets me through it is the music in my ears and the knowledge that the session will be over soon. Also, looking at the strides I've already taken and calculating how many more I can accomplish helps me through this third. Once I reach the last few minutes things start to get better again and I pull out my last reserves. I know it is over soon, and I know I will feel great, and I know I will be proud of my accomplishment.

And then it's over! Minutes of winding down go by in no time, and I'm glad to get off the elliptical trainer. I am soon thereafter already looking forward to the next exercise session, and it is not long until the agony of the third third is upon me yet once again.

Ingo

Living with Parkinson's Disease - Year 2

Today marks the two year anniversary of my Parkinson’s Disease diagnosis. While the first year was mostly spent with coming to terms that I have Parkinson’s, the recent year was focused on gaining stability and being more social about it.

Stability has been mostly achieved, when I discount days where “uncommon” activities, like flight preparations or large family events, cause me to have a harder time functioning with limited symptoms showing. An unchanged level of medication for this year keeps me able to work at almost normal intensity, which, if you know me, is rather high. The main problem for me is the very limited usability of my right hand, making handwriting extremely hard and exhausting and typing on the computer more of a left-hand-only activity. Fortunately, my work involves a lot of thinking as well, 100 intelligent words are worth more than 1000 blah-blahs.

Stability, on the other hand, has also been reached by cutting back on certain activities, which saddens me quite a bit. Photography has taken a backseat, for months I have neither taken nor published any new works, with very few exceptions. And for about half a year, if not more, my participation in various social sites was close to nil. I also often worry about the future, mostly concerning questions like “how will I progress?” and “how many good [relative] years do I have left?” Any day on which I am even only slightly off my normal level of symptoms causes a mild panic and quite a bit of useless worries and stress.

Yet, during the last year I also managed to improve and not only maintain the status quo. I am working out now, an activity that I never liked much, and I see a Physical Therapist once a month for extra credit. This certainly has made it possible for me to regain some of the strength that I had lost prior, even some that I never had before.

On the same note, improvements on a mental level have also been made. A major factor here has been that I dared to open up to other Parkinson’s Disease sufferers, or “Parkies” as we as we refer to each other affectionately. This was made possible when I met a person who happens to run a group for Early (or Young) Onset Parkinson’s Disease victims [YOPD] on Facebook and invited me to join. There I met a whole variety of people, some as young as 20something, and some much worse off than I. Learning from these fellow Parkies that I am not alone, not even in my darkest thoughts, is the biggest improvement to date, they truly understand me like no non-suffer can (although some, like my daughter, come pretty close).

My activity in this group has also other positive side effects; I can feel the urge to rekindle my participation in other social sites. If it weren’t for the darn typing and a boatload of work [at work] I already would be fully engaged again! A loooong Winter here in the New York area is now finally also slowly coming to an end, hopefully giving way to some good opportunities for photo shoots. Oh, and speaking of New York, seems like I will meet thousands of Parkies when my family and I will participate in this year’s Parkinson’s Unity Walk in beautiful Central Park in Manhattan.

With that said, I hope to have many more years of writing about my anniversaries, maybe one of them will finally mention a cure and reset my counter to “year one after Parkinson’s!” I keep my fingers crossed!

Ingo

Me, Me, Me, and You

It is 3 o'clock in the morning, October 31st, Halloween. One year ago we were having a power outage that lasted for close to 3 days, a blizzard came through and knocked down the trees that were still carrying all their leaves and couldn't handle the weight of all the snow on top of it.

Well, today also marks day 3 of the current power outage, thanks to hurricane Sandy, and no relieve is in sight, promised is that will have power back by next Monday, that's in 5 days! But what does this all have to do with this entry's title? Well, a lot, actually! Since quite a while I was planning to write about the selfishness of the people I come across every day, on the bus, the subway, and life in general.

Although I was fully aware that I am one of the Me-First people, I sure hoped to be one of the Me-Only-Once-In-A-While-First and actually had a hard time finding a fitting example of my own selfishness. But that changed in the last few days, now that I am sitting here, in the cold, in the middle of the night, worried and mad at the same time.

"If only the power came back on, things would be much better" I am thinking, and "why does it take so long to get the crews to fix the lines." And of course thoughts like "what the f#%* are they doing?" are not far behind. But Reasonable-Me recognizes that I got off easy, I didn't get hurt, property damage is minimal, and I have some ability to get to a store that may have some goods that make my life even more convenient. My main concern is that I cannot get to work for the rest of the week, while other people lost all they owned, some even their own lives.

So, what originally was planned to be an entry about the egomaniacs out there, of which we seem to have more and more, it really turned into an entry about me. How ironic, or how selfish, or both!

Ingo

A Short

 Freedom

Strolling on a path through rolling fields of grain

On a late summer afternoon with no need to rush

A warm and gentle breeze kindly touches the skin

Run, but don't move, let time stand still

I wish it would never end!

My Home Is Where My Adrenaline Is

Currently we are in the middle of the European Championship 2012 in Soccer. While I don’t want to talk about this sport in particular, and not even about sports in general, I will use it as an example for attempting to identify what place to call Home.

I don’t think that such a place can live in the heart; too many emotions are associated with this organ. For example, my heart is always with my family, and they are here with me in the US, yet this is not the place I call home. Also, there are no fractions in “heart,” either you got it or you don’t, you cannot have “… my half a heart goes out to you.” So, if heart is not good, then how can I identify where HOME is?

And this brings me back to soccer, and the rush of adrenaline (= epinephrine) I have during the Germany games! No other team could invoke the same reactions, the restlessness, agony, joy, and all the other emotions a rush of adrenaline produces. There are other nations in this tournament that I root for as well (I am a sucker for underdogs - oh surprise), but just not as strongly. And that got me thinking and wondering about this all and I came up with the following definition:

The “Heart” is attached to many sentiments, and either you have it or you don’t. On the other hand, the output of the adrenal glands can be measured, and that allows for the creation of a scale on what can be considered home. For example, while Germany scores a 100% on my “Home Scale,” the US may score an 80%, some other nation a 75%, and so forth.

To sum it up, there can now be many homes, and some are more “homey” than others! Flawed? Maybe, but I like it!

Thanks for reading,

Ingo

More to Celebrate

I don't know if you remember, but just a few weeks ago I mentioned my one year anniversary of finding out that I have Parkinson's Disease (see last blog entry). That was, of course, not a nice thing for me to celebrate.

Well, today, on a much happier note, I am sharing with you another anniversary. This week marks three years since I had my last cigarette, and I am very proud of that. And let me tell you, quitting smoking - after having smoked for over 20 years - was really hard. But let me tell you something else: supposedly there is a relationship between not getting Parkinson's Disease and being an active smoker. Isn't that ironic?

Ah, and before I forget it, the reason why it took up photography is because I quit smoking as I had to do something productive to not think about cigarettes. And that is definitely a major positive that came out of this.

Ingo

Living with Parkinson's Disease - Year 1

Today marks my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system. You may not know what this really means, but you sure know people who have it, like Mohammed Ali, the best boxer of all times, or actor Michael J. Fox, best known from the "Back to the Future" movies.

The severity of my form of Parkinson's is rather mild and mostly affects my right hand (my writing hand). I am fortunately on excellent medication that allows me to function mostly normal, but I vividly remember the times when I was only on a very low dosage or not on meds yet at all. Every move was a strain and tiring, and some were outright impossible, for example when my right hand went numb and I couldn't even hold onto a pen.

The biggest change though was the revelation that I am vulnerable and mortal. Up to the day when I found out that I have Parkinson’s an illness was something to overcome. But now, well, “Mr. Parkinson’s” will always be with me, till the day I die. And although my wonderful Dr. assures me that I still have a long life to live, and that I will not die of this illness per se, I nevertheless will never feel being whole again!

And in case you wonder how I deal with it, let’s say that for the most part a song title from one of my favorite bands describes it very appropriately; it is called “Suffer Well.”

But fortunately there is my wife and my children, my family at large, friends, coworkers, and doctors, all of them in one way or another are helping me with reducing that suffering.

Ingo

On Skyrim

Oh, what a wonderful game, oh, what agony it can create! Having gotten a PS3 on Christmas for the family, I also bought the season's "best" games and almost instantly got hooked on Skyrim, a dungeon and dragons game, the 5th from the series of Elder Scrolls games which include Morrowind and Oblivion.

After getting used to the Playstation controller, it was a few years back that I played my last console game from Sony, it was quite an awesome experience to see how far game development has evolved in the meantime. Actually, Skyrim in particular has gone so far that it reach a point where the standard PS3 hardware can no longer follow all the calculations needed to keep up with the game progress. And the consequence, the game crashed, the file system on the Playstation corrupted, and Skyrim reached the point of being unplayable.

Oh, the agony! Now the waiting began, will Bethesda come out with a fix? And when? Will it work? And what if not? I don't want to list all the things that went through my head, but I sure was very disappointed by the game makers. Not so much that the games bad, but more about the lack of testing and the willingness to release a bugged product. I would ever dare to operate on such a low level!

Well, in the end the fix came and things have greatly improved, I had since then many great battles with beasts of all kinds, plus the occasional human target! All is well in Skyrim Land, you ask? Not really, but I came to accept the rare instances when the game still crashed and forces me to restore the file and database systems, although each time I hold my breath and pray that I don't have to start again from the beginning.

So what does slaying dragons teach us then? I would say patience and appreciation for what we have (that works)!

Valentine's Day and The Canterbury Tales

The things you find out when digging just a little bit! As we are only a few days away from Valentine's Day, I checked with the good old Wikipedia to find out where this day comes from. Turns out that it probably relates to two persons a few centuries AD who, independent from each other, died as martyrs for some (good) cause, hence the day is actually called Saint Valentine's Day.

Love - not so much at that point, and it took about another One Thousand years until the famous "Father of English literature," Geoffrey Chaucer (best known for "The Canterbury Tales"), connected love and Valentine's Day in a poem in "Parlement of Foules." It goes like"

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.
["For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."]

So, with that said, Happy Saint Valentine's Day!

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And here is a link to the source: Valentine's Day

Happy 2012 - Or ...

... What else would I hope for? Of course "happy" sums it up nicely! When I am happy then all other things are in place, work, family, and health. Well, sadly enough, health is at least for my part not an option, so let's define happy as the achievement of successful containment.

But that will not stop me from wishing all people who want to listen to me:

A Happy TwothousandAndTwelve!!!

On Commuting - Part One!

Before I came to this country, or maybe I should say came to the New York area, about 17 years ago, I could not imagine a daily commute of more than an hour total. Currently, I commute on average three hours each day!

And I am for sure not alone with that kind of extra curricular effort, I would even go so far as to say that most people here in the Tri-State area commute at least two hours daily. So, let's do some math:

Let's say that only one million people in the Tri-State area (I think it's way more) commute two hours each day. These people earn on average - hm - let's say fifteen Dollars an hour (again I think it's more).

That makes daily 2,000,000 hours in transit, and a possible $ 30,000,000 lost in income (if they could have worked instead)! And two million hours are more than 228 years! Daily! In commute! Just wasted!

Ingo

A Warm Welcome

Hello there,

Glad you found your way to my blog, although I currently don't have much to say. I assume it will take me a while to familiarize myself with the interface and how to post etc., but maybe you could be so kind and bear with me while I will try to make things happen.

For now, just a warm welcome, thanks for being here,

Ingo